Definition of a Man

I grew up in the 80s and 90s, and the popularity of the bad boy image was at an all-time high, which meant that there was something utterly attractive to me about a guy wearing a baseball cap, loose-fitting jeans, and tennis shoes — a tough guy. Why women have this thing about shoes, I don’t know, but from a very young age, my man would have to have on a decent pair. Lots of women share in this ideal about men’s shoes, and as strange as it sounds, shoes might be the only reason a man can walk on by without giving him a second look.

Back to the type of man that I wanted at seventeen: he needed to be cool, and I mean the term as in calm and collected, a desire I came by honestly because my father was “Mr. Cool.” I tended to like a guy who was kind of cocky and smart, but he had to have some street smarts as well, and that’s where the “bad boy” ideal came into play. A man who could not handle his own, stand up for himself and me, would not get a chance. If this brutal honesty about what I called a man at the time makes some of you uncomfortable, remember that I am sharing my experiences and my thoughts, however naïve they may have been, so that others might be able to identify their own limitations in their choice of an ideal partner.

At the time, I firmly adhered to this simple set of requirements, and I must admit that I knew lots of guys who fit into the category. There were quite a few other characteristics that they shared that were not so good. Many of them were “players,” or womanizers, for example. These guys had little respect for women, who were simply their prey, and they were more concerned about impressing their friends than they were with impressing women — they had no intention of being in a committed relationship. I mentioned that I grew up during the 80s and 90s, and if you are familiar with that time period, you may recognize it as a time when explicitly derogatory song lyrics about women were increasingly acceptable. Do I blame the music for the lack of respect that many of the young men were beginning to display? Of course not, but I do think the music had an impact, and it still does today.

I have to be honest and admit that I did recognize the signs a man was a player in most instances, but I made the same mistake many women make in thinking that I could change them. Most men change when they are ready to change. A man will not change just because you want him to, and in fact, he may decide not to change precisely because you want him to so desperately.

 

Prize or Not?

Although things were going great, there was still that question in the back of my mind. What was going on with Girl #2? One thing that I had learned several years earlier was that a man will make time for what he wants to do, including spending time with other women, no matter how much of his time you think you take up. I just shake my head when I hear women explain that their men don’t have time to cheat because he’s always with them. I remember thinking that very thought in the beginning, and I remember learning very quickly that a man will make a way to get what he wants. What must she be thinking now that he had been spending so much time with me? Does she know? One thing I thought for sure was that she knew he wasn’t with her. Keep in mind though that you never really know how a man explains his time or justifies his whereabouts to his girlfriend or even his wife. I got around to asking my friend about Girl #2, but as I expected, he didn’t provide me with much insight. Mostly I kept quiet and carried on with life as usual. It was almost freaky. I had gotten used to being in such a position of defeat with him that I never saw myself being this close to victory.

I remember feeling at times like a sixth man on the bench. I played basketball when I was younger and related my experience with my friend to sitting on the sideline, waiting to go in as I wondered if the coach would recognize my progress and really good attitude in practice that week — only to have him say he was going to call me in with a couple of minutes left on the clock and yet I still sat there. With only a few minutes left in the game, I had given up, and I found it hard to hide my disappointment. I didn’t want to spend our time together arguing or asking questions that I really didn’t want to know the answer to anyway, and so I just “sucked it up” and sat in my spot on the bench.

I let Girl #2 escape farther and farther from my mind when my friend and I were together, but I kept my feelers out otherwise. I wanted to know if anyone had seen her around, or more importantly, if anyone had seen them together. While I was busy wondering about such trivial things, there were a few other things that I didn’t think of as so important but that kept coming up nevertheless.

I arrived home from work one day, and I was in a good mood because I knew that I could expect my friend to be there later on that evening. He was at my apartment when I left for work, and I knew that he would be returning. When he returned though, he had something on his mind. While I was gone, he had done something that I’m pretty sure he had never done with me before.

 

Forgive but Never Forget

Each one of us should understand that, until we are blessed with another person to love and support in life, we must learn to love ourselves. We’ve heard this all before, but we teach others how to treat us by what we allow people to get away with in their behavior toward us. Keep in mind that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, and while you can’t make another person do anything, you don’t have to accept being mistreated by anyone. We sometimes teach others what works for us by the way we treat other people. We show them what is acceptable and unacceptable. Ideas about the things that are okay versus those things that are not should be given careful thought and consideration. The things that I am most proud of about myself during my early relationships include pursuing my educational and career goals despite the mess my relationships were in. I always knew that I would be of more value to myself as well as to another person with the knowledge and experience gained through my personal trials.

I encourage each of you to get to know yourselves, your likes and your dislikes, so that you don’t have to put on a façade when confronted by someone else’s interests. It’s easy to fall in line and agree with another to avoid being too difficult, but it’s not easy to continue living this way when you realize that you have lost who you are. Try new things. Start over. Don’t be afraid to step out on faith when all you have to rely on is you. It will be a great test of your will, your strength, and your faith.

In I Want It Now!, I focused on the idea that each of us should dream and pursue our own happiness. The underlying message of that book is one that I still believe today, and if I were to add anything, I would reiterate that it usually takes a lot of hard work to see things through to fruition. You never know how the cards will be dealt to you, but you have to spend your life creating options for yourself, and you have to be as happy as possible in the place where you are during these times. Often, it’s hard to imagine that we go through difficulties for a reason that actually makes us stronger in the long run, but always remember that you are not the only one. So many in this world suffer at the hands of others, or worse, they suffer over something they themselves control.

Don’t give in to negativity because something seems unfair. God may just be preparing you for the many blessings that he has in store for you later. We learn about ourselves through life’s many complexities.

 

REAL TALK 16 — You can’t love God and not love yourself. They are really one in the same. Love doesn’t work without faith. Love is manifested via the spirit, so pay attention and you’ll find out all you want to know. Require the God that is in you to be treated better, and you won’t allow people to treat you badly. Remember that another person’s shortcomings don’t have to reflect who you are or who you have to be. To those of you who will continue to be the other woman, often referred to as the “clean up woman,” note that there ain’t no future in “cleaning up.” Sometimes you have to stand up and do what is best for you, even when it hurts. Only love can hurt that good.